XOXO

It’s Valentine’s Day, or as I like to call it…The Stupidest Day of the Year! I know, I know, I sound like a bitter single girl (and I might be a bit), but really I have been one to get excited about this day. I have always thought that I would like to receive flowers, chocolates, fancy gifts for no reason at all, instead of on a day when they are expected. However, I do like the idea of spreading a little extra love one day a year.  This year I send cards to some special women in my life, just to remind them that they are loved. I delivered goodies to my Nieces and Nephews and even got mom some flowers and chocolates. But those are really things I would do any day of the year. So in honor of Valentine’s Day I am going to share some things that I am currently loving:

1.        Peanut Butter. I have already eaten it twice today… it really can make anything better.

2.       Emergen-C (tangerine flavor). Pretty sure this stuff has been saving me from some type of illness for the last month. Every I go somewhere I get stuck beside or behind a hacking cougher or continual sneezer.

3.       Soft Lips (vanilla). I have one in my purse, one on my keyboard and one by my bed… could not survive a Colorado winter without it.

4.       Pauly D’s Sexy Swagg.  Ya I just typed those words! I love Pauly D and his Sexy Swagg tanning lotion. It comes in a pink bottle with glittery rhinestones, smells yummy, tones and tightens the skin and feels so so silky smooth…. You want to try it don’t you?!

5.       Say Anything by Tristan Prettyman.  Came across this gem via iTunes Genius suggestions. There are some verses to make you think in this song. My favorite is: “I would tell you that I love you, even when it didn’t show.  Oh and I love this one, “You should listen to your heart, its going to tell ya what you need.”

6.       Standing up for myself. I have done this three times  in the last week and damn it feels good. Just another step towards that 2013 Intention of Making Myself Proud.

7.       Longer Days.  Only 24 more days until Daylight Savings, ahhhhh.

8.       Mike, the Security Guard in my office building. He usually holds the door for me every morning and always says “Good Morning, Nicole” but today he added in “Happy Valentines Day, you deserve a good one”. That made my morning and encouraged this blog post.

Whatever it may be that is currently making you happy, I hope you enjoy a little bit more of it today (hence the two servings of peanut butter)! And no matter how cheesy and annoying this day may be, don’t let it end without spreading some love. XOXO.

Intentions

First blog post of 2013 and it only took ten days… not to bad considering my recent blogging track record.
Seeing as though a new year has begun I think it is appropriate to share my intentions for 2013. A year ago a dear friend opened me up to the idea of creating a  list of things you “intend” to do in the new year, instead of resolutions that tend to me unrealistic goals. She stressed the importance of writing them down and looking at them everyday to remind yourself when you fall of track. In a quest to a more positive life I made my list (a very pretty one at that), printed it on pretty paper and searched for the perfect frame for it. Well I never found the frame, in fact (this is so embarrassing) I found it a few days ago at the bottom of my craft bin. As I tore it up and tossed it in the trash I become extremely disappointed in myself and decided to start creating my new list of intentions. I decided that since I am a visual person it may be best for me to make a collage of images and quotes that represent my intentions, instead of a list, so I can’t help but look at it everyday.



1. Make Myself Proud

I have always been pretty hard on myself but the last few years my self esteem and self pride has taken a major beating. I have gone through struggles with anxiety, which lead to daily medication that made me really lazy and extra hungry. I suffered a lot of heartache, which lead to deep sadness and depression. And worse of all, I tried really hard to keep this all to myself and was determined to always be the “Taran” everyone knew me to be. I have continued to put the happiness of those I love first, instead of my own and although I prefer it that way, I have come to realize that it needs to change. So making myself proud is a huge intention for this year. It encompasses everything from being proud when I look in the mirror to standing up for myself when I am being taken advantage of.

2. Don’t be So Hard on Yourself

This one is going to be tough. If you didn’t get the sense from the above intention that I am hard on myself, then there is plenty more to prove it…
I don’t deal well when things don’t go according to my expectations.
I take peoples actions and behavior personally.
The more self esteem I lose, the more sensitive I become.
I put a lot of extra weight on my shoulders and although I know I can bare it, I don’t need to anymore.

3. Explore

Not much to say here, who wouldn't like to travel more?

4. Choose Me

On my quest of self acceptance and love I intend to do something once a week for me. I know what you all are thinking…. I am single and childless, how could I not be doing things for me, but I fall into the same traps as everyone else. I am horrible at telling people no, so whenever someone asks “can you do me a favor”, I usually do them a favor. I am the dog sitter girl, please can you pick this up for me girl, I can give you a ride girl, how can I help you girl… for crying out loud I work 40 plus hours a week “assisting” people to make their jobs easier.  So even though I don’t go home to a husband and toddler at night, I still don’t  embrace “me” time. Whether it be a pedicure or  writing in this freaking blog, I am going to make it a priority to do more things that please me this year.

5. Get Healthy

I want to lose weight like every 30 something woman I know, but most importantly I want to be healthier. I want to play soccer with my niece and not get winded so fast. I want to eat a meal and not feel sick afterwards. I want to look in the mirror and smile. I want to feel strong.  I want to live the true Colorado lifestyle and I want it all to start now.




The exciting thing about a new year is that we are given the chance to start over. So here is to a much brighter, much happier, and much more fulfilling 2013!

Hope and Healing

“it’s a feeling I just can’t explain”, “You wouldn’t know unless it happened to you”, “there are no words to describe it”…these statements are true. There are often experiences and feelings in life that no one will ever understand unless they have been through the exact same experience. Example One: Childbirth. We have all heard women describe the moment they held their babies for the first time by saying things like, “I felt my whole life change in that instant, it’s a feeling I just can’t explain” and “I never knew I could love anything so much until that moment,  it is just indescribable”.  There are many moments in life when words loss power. You can talk and talk and talk but unless someone has been through something the same way you have, they will never understand. These are the reasons I rarely talk about my fathers passing.

I am currently reading Hope Solo’s autobiography, SOLO: A Memoir of Hope, and last night I read the chapter where she finds out her father passed away.  It was a tough one for me, seeing as though she found out in a similar way as I did that her father had died. Sadly, it was comforting. Through the whole book she has described her troubled relationship with her father due to his alcohol addiction and poor decisions. She also discusses how much she admired her dad and thought he could never do wrong. She mentioned that he was a dark haired Italian man that was very gregarious about life, everyone that meet him loved him and he always made her feel as though she was loved and special. I have always felt like she was describing my father in many ways, but it was not until last nights chapter that I felt extremely connected with her.

She found out about her fathers passing while on the road playing soccer with the USA Olympic Team. She awoke one morning and noticed a Seattle phone number (her home state) had called her phone quite early and left a message. The message was a women asking her to call her back regarding (her fathers name) immediately. She returned the call to have the women reply, “I am wondering what arrangements you would like us to make for the body.” That is how she found out her father had died. She explained that the moment was indescribable and she is 100% right, because I know myself there are no words to describe a moment like that.

At the time of my fathers death I hadn’t talked to him in a few years. My father had struggled with alcoholism and after many years of trying to justify his lifestyle my siblings and I became exhausted of being heartbroken by our fathers disease, so we chose to step back until he was ready to get well. Like Hope, I was a big fan of my father despite his struggles. In the years we spend apart I thought about him everyday, wondering if I would run into him somewhere or if he would call and be ready to start anew. But mostly I thought about the day that I would get a call that something had happened to him and how I could not let that day come without him knowing how much I loved him. I began to develop an immense amount of anxiety when I would think about him, fearful that although I know he always knew I loved him, I would never be able to say it to him again or hear his voice or feel his hug.  

The day before I found out about my fathers death, the day he actually died, I got home early from work because of a snow storm and had lunch with my mom. She made pannini’s and I can’t remember what was on t.v. but it made me tell her that I had a dream about dad last night and all day I had been thinking about him. I expressed my fear that one day he was going to die and I would never get a chance to see him again. We discussed my feelings and how I felt I needed to get in touch. 

The next day I was home from work due to the snow when I heard the doorbell ring. I walked to the peep hole and noticed two police officers at the door so I grabbed my mom before opening it. The officers asked for my brother, who was in Arizona at the time for spring training, so I told them he was not home. They then asked for me, using my full legal name. I told them it was me (my heart racing so fast I could hardly answer) and they then handed me a card and asked me to call the number right away, my mom instantly starting saying “my god its your dad, it has to be about your dad”. I closed the door and walked the slowest walk of my life to the phone, after two rings a women answered asking my name and if I knew (my fathers name), I assured her I was his daughter and she proceeded to tell me “you are listed as next of kin but have been out of touch with your family so I am sorry to tell you this way but your father has died” She then gave me my cousins phone number and asked that I call her for details. I don’t remember hanging up or what I said to my mother, I just remember the way I felt… which is weird because it is truly indescribable.

I have never felt more connected to someone I have never meet than I did to Hope Solo while reading that chapter last night. For so long I felt ashamed and guilty. I have felt like my friends don’t understand the pain I have experienced since I was apart from my father for some time... like my everyday life wasn’t going to change so my grieving wouldn’t be as bad as theirs would be or anyone else who would lose at parent. I have thought about this for some time but a lot more than usual today.  Right now I feel as though I have found some peace in the fact that just because my relationship with my father wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t any less special. I finally feel like my emotions and experience is justified, that others have lost their parents the same way and healed.

This is the beauty of sharing our stories and this is why I love reading biographies. It reminds us that life is full of struggles and sadness and that we aren't always alone.  It reminds us that our “you won’t know how it feels until it happens to you” statements are true and justified and powerful when words are not. 

30 Things

I love exploring the Pinterest world for two reasons. One, It's amazing. Two, people from all over the world are sharing things with people they don't even know. Tonight I came across something that I had to share with the non Pinterest world; an article from Glamour Magazine titled:

Turning 30: 30 Things Every Woman Should Have And Should Know. 

I am now 31 so I guess this article came a little too late, however I think it could represent many different ages. Here are my thoughts about it, feel free to share yours! 

By 30, you should have ...

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come. 

Check and check, and that is all I am going to say about that ;)

2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.

I do, however it is currently being stored in my parents basement... still counts, right?

3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.

Of course, but I definitely wouldn't make it in a hour!

4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.\

Piece of cake... done, done and done!

5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.

Already missing it.

6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.

Abso-Freaking-lutely!!!

7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it.

Ugh, getting there... slowly...

8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you.

Triple Check!!

9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.

No padding, 100% natural, but ready for it to undergo some change.

10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.

A+++, aced this part a long time ago!

11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

Screwdrivers=check, cordless drill=need, black lace bra=my favorite one

12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.

Need to work on this one!

13. The belief that you deserve it.

Need to work extra on this one!

14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.

Working on this too, willing to take suggestions.

15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

Is it bad that this may be the part I am failing at the most?!?!? Thanks for the reality check Glamour Magazine!

By 30, you should know ...

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.

Is it really love if you don't lose yourself? I don't think so, however I have survived many broken hearts so I don't let it go easily.

2. How you feel about having kids.

Absolutely.

3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

I have a fear of letting people down, these are the little things I am still working on ;)

4. When to try harder and when to walk away.

Please refer to the above statement!

5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.

Two words: Makeout Bandit ;)

6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.

Colorado, Scott Gessler (I just googled that, not gonna lie)

USA, Hilary Clinton (love her) 

Great Grandmothers, duh!

I fail at the tailor part... sorry Stacy and Clinton!

7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.

Been there, done that.

8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing.

Thankfully, I have many.

9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.

yes, however a girl can always dream ;)

10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.

I prefer, but it's still worth cherishing.

11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.

Money=check   Love=work in progress

12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.

Amen (I have cavities to prove it)!

13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.

The personally part is key here folks, I suggest reading The Four Agreements.

14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.

Another work in progress

15. Why they say life begins at 30

Can it start at 32? I'm almost 32 and ready now, I promise!

Thoughts...

Today is one of those ‘ugh’ kind of days. Nothing really going on at work, allergies are kicking my butt, and I had to skip my hour break to make up for a Dentist appointment later this week (gosh, being an adult is so exciting). Needless to say my brain has been wondering and I have a few things I would like to share and possibly receive some clarification on.

Shoes on the highway.

I have been wondering about this for a while now. In the last two weeks during my morning and evening commutes I have come across numerous pieces of footwear on the highway. I have seen everything from an imposture UGG Boot to a Sponge Bob slipper. The fake UGG is what sparked my curiosity, mainly because it is September and still quit warm out. The Sponge Bob slipper was easier to swallow, assuming a child probably thought it would be fun to throw it out of the car window.  The most random  shoe sighting was a man’s dress shoe on the I-225 on-ramp. Of all the places on a street or highway to toss a shoe this on-ramp has to be the most dangerous… which has led to the question  “how are these shoes getting here”?  Ironically this morning I saw another shoe on the same ramp, but this time it was an athletic shoe. For some reason I can’t stop thinking about these shoes… why is there always only one shoe and should we be concerned that shoe littering is getting out of control in Denver?

Breath Right Strips.

I was introduced to these amazing strips of genius by Annie Foppe while on vacation in Palm Springs this past January. In case you have ever wondered, they really do work! Since I suffer from allergy and sinus inflammation about 347 days of the year I immediately began purchasing these things and use them about 3 times a week. However, I am starting to think that they are becoming my new biggest enemy… I think they are making my nose bigger, and I have a pretty big nose to begin with so this could be a disaster!! Every time I come across a mirror all I can look at is my nose. I brought up my concern to some co-workers yesterday and they of course laughed at me but I am serious about this. Has anyone else ever wondered the same?  Annie Foppe…. Is your nose getting bigger??

Shorts and UGGs.

I understand that UGG’s are comfy, but just because Tom Brady can pull off wearing them all the time doesn’t mean you should. Especially when pairing them with shorts. I was reminded about how much this irritates me the other day while walking behind a woman in my office building that was sporting this odd combo. First, if it is nice enough to wear shorts then it is nice enough to wear sandals. Second, knees are not sexy and that is definitely the main emphasis when you are walking around wearing shorts and UGG’s. Third, you do not get an exception to this rule if you live in Colorado, even if the weather does change every hour.  Finally, it is grown women like this that will end up ruining casual Friday for the rest of us, so stop it!  (Ok, this one was more of a rant but I had to get it off my chest!)

Email Incompetence.

Can someone please explain to me how in the year 2012 people still don’t know how to update their email signature and search for an email in their inbox? Yes, this is happening folks, and by people that are actually smart… and make twice my salary! I am asked at least once a week by at least one co-worker how to do something in their inbox and it drives me crazy. How do you not know to click on “settings” to update your out of office reply? How do you not know to type in the “search” section to find an email? Seriously, the next time someone asks me “How do I change my email signature” I am going to reply telling them and then ask them something like “Can you help me replace the staples in my stapler?”, pretty sure it is harder to do that than to change your email signature! Come on people, get with the times… I promise you will make Yahoo and G-Mail very proud!

See, I told ya a lot goes on in my head! Thanks for listening, I feel much better now.

Introduction

Once upon a time I started a blog and sucked at it really bad. From the start I set myself up for failure by naming the blog "Sunny Side Up". I should of known that it would be almost impossible for me to think of and write about happy thoughts all the time. Honestly, is anyone able to truly be happy all the time? I started to get overwhelmed when thinking about writing a blog post because I couldn't always find sun-shiney things to write about so I just stopped writing.   

Well here I am with a new name, a new look and a new purpose. I promise that this time around I will not give up so easily!